school's photo shoot!

do you mind if i share some of my photo here? okey fine. let's see it first. they're me, Dian, Alvin, and Kareem. the pict take on last Monday at the second break. see these!

big big cat

me and Bigi

hello jell- o everyone! how was yer short holiday huh? mine was...... flat. i actually need more, more, more, and more holiday for refreshing my brain.
anyway......
i have a new cat mihihihihi, named Bigi. big big cat. i got the cat from my teacher at school. oh ya, the cat is a girl and i thought she's still virgin. i need a boy cat to marry with her, because i really wanna have a kitten. about her name......her really name is Tiwi, but i changed it then by kak Gita's suggestion. the name have some meaning, kak Gita has mentioning it to me. aaaa just because the name is Bigi, i remembered about someone and....something.

the right words

Lately I've been staring at your pictures, trying to figure out how to say the right words. The words that will touch your heart as well as your soul. The kind of words you've been wanting to hear for 5 long years. Yet it seems useless when you will never hardly look my way. There's so much tension when we bump heads that it seems the light only gets dimmer on the other side of the tunnel.

Silly of me to think it will change your mind about us, but it never hurts to try. Yangke....I miss you. i miss you so much that I drive myself insane hoping and praying you'll come back and give us a second chance. when i look at you I cant help but to fall in a transe looking into your deep brown eyes.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out the right words. Then I began to think about, what would be the music to your ears what would make you cry, the tears of happiness. Then it hit me. The words i was missing were already spoken several times but I never meant a single word............til now.

So Obim, I want to tell you those words, and I mean with every ounce of me, from the bottom of my heart, now and forever.....

I LOVE YOU.

58th days

aloha folks.......how was yer day, huh? mine was......rrr lil' bit bad.
anyway, today is sunday and you know what is it mean? yep, today is my last day on holiday, oh my gosh!!!

hari ini hari minggu, hari ini hari yang ke 58. apasih put 58? itu hari apaan maksutnya?
okey harinya sih hari biasa aja, gak ada event tertentu, tapi........coba deh kalo lo hitung mundur. nanti juga tau deh pasti alesan gue. duh, sejujurnya ini postingan sampah ya, karena gue tau blog gue terlalu menye-menye, terlau cengeng, dan gak guna banget. maaf banget sebelumnya atas 'curhatan' yang bikin kalian 'muak', yang mungkin marah kalau namanya gue tulis secara 'tidah sengaja' dalam blog ini.

udah 58 hari ya? hem lama juga..................
dan gue masih belum bisa melakukan perubahan terbaik bagi diri gue. bukannya 'belum bisa', tapi mungkin karen gue 'enggak mau'. kasian deh gue sama diri gue, merasa tersiksa sih, tapi apa boleh buat. yang gue inginkan, tidak sejalan dengan apa yang gue butuhkan. stuck.
berharap? masih
berangan? selalu
berusaha? yang terbaik

terimakasih untuk beberapa sahabat yang selalu dukung gue, selalu buat gue senyum. makasiiihhh banget ya :''''') yah as you know gue selalu seneng ngelewatin hari-hari gue bareng kalian. bahkan gue lupa apa itu sedih, galau, gak punya semanagat, pesimis, dan gue tau kalian selalu ada buat gue.
mmaf yah belom bisa tunjukin yang terbaik dari gue, gue masih suka egois dan keras kepala. maaf.

gue yang sekarang, sama kayak putri sekitar 58 hari yang lalu, putri yang cengeng banget. keliatannya sih biasa aja ya, karena gue berusaha untuk tegar, yak tegar. dan itu sangat susah, sangat sulit, dan, sangat berat untuk dijalani, hufttttaaaaahhhhh........
lebay ya gue? iya gue tau memang gue rada lebay, eh bukan rada lagi malahan. udah sangat lebay.

terjebak dalam setiap kenangan manis bersama orang yang kalian sayangi itu....gak mudah. in my case, gue terjebak, tapi kan udah gak.......ya gitulah. pasti ada aja yang marahin gue, karena gue terlalu nyakitin diri gue sendiri, gak kebayang yah gue egois banget---bahkan sama diri gue sendiri. masih sering galau disaat yang gak tepat....duh itu sangat menyedihkan ya ampuunnnnnnnn, baru semenjak SMA ya gue galau terus. apalagi 58 hari terakhir ini.

semoga apa yang telah gue putuskan, berdampak baik ya Allah, AMIN!!!!
gue masih nunggu ada keajaiban. masih nunggu tangan Tuhan mamberkati gue. maaf ya yang sms-nya gak gue bales, maaf banget. gak maksut apa-apa, tapi gue gak siap untuk berkomitmen sama orang 'baru'. gak siap sama sekali. karena kalian taugak sih betapa susahnya (bagi gue) untuk kenal dan tau, bahkan deket sama keluarga gue itu susah?
yah intinya gue nunggu. nunggu. nunggu.......

keep waiting, keep fighting!
you go girl!!!!!!

win some, loose all

i'am sorry for the picture, just past it k?

first of all, i post this because i miss him (now) so much. do you wanna laugh at me? please take your place. kinda bored? me too. i'am too tired to always thinking about love life stuff. really. i really want to ignore it, but i.....just can't. or maybe because i (never) want. oh life....

Why is it that when you love someone really bad you cant be with them? why is it hard to tell my heart to love someone that does not love me as good? is love suppose to make you feel good? or is love supposed to make you feel bad? I ended up hurting my self, thinking I could have that love (again) , many times we all fall in the same hole, thinking that we can have a life, a life filled with green fields, with perfect weather, but we end up living in a storm. A storm that we caused, a storm that we made bigger.

I have learned the hard way, losing my hopes for that person who showed me something different, all I have now is my sadness, and with my music I express my sadness, and will always love you, even if I spend my time loving my memories. Time spent with other people is nothing.

But like I have always said, "you win some, you lose ALL."

hope already gone?

Where does one begin? I'm pretty sure this is a relatively new development in letter writing. Probably there isn't an established genre. Unlike the ubiquitous "Dear John" letter the "she-needs-to-get-her-shit-together-so-she's-moving-out-though-we'll-still-be-dating-but-I'm-insecure" letter has not enjoyed such widespread popularity.

I don't know where to begin. My emotions have been everywhere- angry, sad, self-pitying, resentful, jealous, apathetic, nihilistic, and probably a few others. Right now I feel hopeful. I hope we will become closer through this experience. I hope you can better learn yourself, so that you can show me how to love you better.

I like to think I know you well. I like to think of us as twins. Remember that? Sure, it was a long time ago - and compared to who we are now, it didn't mean that much...before we had touched or kissed or fought or cried together or eaten breakfast together.

It was easier to say big words like "twins" back them. Now when we say words there is a context. When I say I trust you, it means something. We are so much bigger now than our early words. I am glad we became real together.

I want us always to be real, so I write you letters ad naseum telling you how I feel. You're probably rolling your eyes. How could you not know how I feel after all my words to you? I guess this letter is about words. What is the context we have given our words?

Saying "I love you" doesn't even scratch the surface of my feelings for you. It's like trying to squeeze us into three small words. What does it mean? I love you. I love you. I love you. Sometimes I'm so in love with you, and that is all I say: I love you. I love you.

"I love you" means how your body feels curled up behind me in bed; or when you're in front of me, your back, it's skin and muscles, your spine and neck; how I love to plant my lips on your shoulders;

how complete I feel when we talk about art;

how spiritual when we talk about love...isn't that what they mean by God? Isn't that what they mean by art?

how new-born you can make me feel;

how saddened I am by the weight you carry in your mind;

how beautiful I am when I touch you;

how disappointed I am when you don't get shows;

God, how I fail with you; but how you give me hope, and a place to be;

how you console me when I want to quit;

how you keep me looking at myself;

my pride in the meaning of our life together;

how you want me to make friends and feel awkward that I don't;

how you stop me from being self-righteous sometimes (and I know it can't be easy);

because you make me feel better than I would;

the time I would have cheated, but didn't want to, how I still don't, because I know what's at stake, and I know how I feel you in my throat and gut;

how when we hold one another the world feels a little better;

how we saved each other from loneliness and more dying;

how we will again;

how amazing is your art that turns sorrow into solitude into beauty, into compassion;

how you are a poet with your hands, an artist with your eyes;

God, how I love your nakedness - your legs that walk, arms that hold;

how you shape the world, even naked, even vulnerable;

how our hands fit together, but not all the time;

how we didn't have to ask or talk or make a plan, but just knew;

as if we said, "Here. This way. This is where I belong."

how i miss my EX-ClassMates

oh my gosh! i miss you all guys :')

see how was Ibnu looks like huahahaha

Agam, Taban, and Me

Agam, Tasya, Taban, and Me

impossible action

Last night I had a beautiful dream, revisiting our walk. In the dream we were walking in a group of people, through an unknown city, along its river, late at night. Every once in awhile we would run out together in front of the group, leaving them behind. We had things to show each other. Sometimes I would pick you up in my arms and run with you, in my arms, down the streets, and sometimes you would do the same with me. In the dream, this impossible action was easy, natural and real.

@putriwiredjo